the worlds funniest jokes

[machanist]

ok all you
lets hear your best jokes out there... and i want to laugh

why do bee's have sticky hair?

BECAUSE THEY USE HONEYCOMBS :p

[lamentofgrunty]

here's one a person in spanish class made up

why doesn't mexico have any olmpic teams?

because everyone who can run jump and swim is already across the border

[Minjo]

here's one a person in spanish class made up

why doesn't mexico have any olmpic teams?

because everyone who can run jump and swim is already across the border

Screw that, at least we don't start wars, like some countries that I know *coughRussiacough*, from where certain people *coughlamentocough* come.

[Andre]

I thought he was from Sri Lanka? (They've never had a war.)

[Minjo]

I thought he was from Sri Lanka? (They've never had a war.)

Ahhh yes! I though it was a russian city, but it's from La India.
Anyway, I hate stupid homophobian and foreign jokes, especially the mexican ones.

[Kaz da Breegull]

I have a lot of jokes...but they aren't really fit for a PG-rated forum. :D;;

Homophobic jokes ARE downright stupid, though.

[Andre]

I have a lot of jokes...but they aren't really fit for a PG-rated forum.

You think this forum is PG rated? I can remember a few, erm, R-rated topics in the past.

[Minjo]

I am mexican. I don't think this is insulting neither, but I never liked the concept that people are racist to asians,french,mexicans etc... it's pointless if people that make such "jokes", don't see themselves in a mirror.

[Gruntling]

This little joke always cracks me up! :D

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[MewChan]

...Well, we all know how bad I suck at jokes.

[Ratabulous]

Here's a good one: A sceintist reported that if an institution were created for people with a fear of hi-tech buildings, it would be called a Complex Complex Complex Complex.

If jimmy Cracks corn, and nobody cares, what does he have a stupid song?

yeah, racist jokes are only funny if you can make fun of yourself, too.

A naked man ran into a woman's house, forced her to give him all her money at gunpoint, and then asked her for a pair of pants. She complied, and called police. They caught him next door trying to hot-wire a car.

[Zeek]

If you run behind a car, you might get exhuasted.

If you run infront of a car, you might get tired.

This joke here takes place in the 'olden' days.

A man is driving his bull home in a pick-up truck. They were cruising through the streets, when the truck suddenly stopped. The car itself had for some reason stop working. Lucky for the man, it stopped in front of a telegraph station. Knowing his wife had one at home, and she's right down the road, he decided to go inside and send her a message to come and get them both. The man goes inside and asks one of the clerks of how much it is per word for a message. The clerk responds, "$1". The man thinks for a second and gives him the only dollar he has, and asks for the word "Comfortable" to be sent to her. The clerk then asks, "Why would you only want to send out that word?". The man responds saying, "She always sounds out the words."

[vaticandrummer]

World's funniest joke, you say?


Well, I have a joke that is so funny that if you hear it, you die laughing![/Monty Python]

Hitler: My dog has no nose!
Nazis: How does it smell?
Hilter: ...AWFUL!




....yeaah, Monty Python is the sh*t.

[Kaz da Breegull]

I love Monty Python! :D The Mr. Hilter skit cracked me up, especially when he rode around on the bike.

Sorry, can't think of any jokes right now. However, here's something that's hilarious if you have a sick mind (like me). Remember the old Connect Four song, for the tabletop game? Well...think of the song as being related to something other than lining up black and red chips. :D;; *cough*

[repobanjo]

Well, I got one too. This one might take a while to get.

A couple of passengers for an airplane were waiting for their pilots. To their surprise (and shock), the two pilots were feeling their ways through the plane to the cockpit, with black glasses. One of them even had a seeing-eye dog.

The passengers thought that they were gonna sink into the sea near the runway. The engine starts and the airplane moves. They are past the line where the should take off, and they are getting really close to the water, about 20 yards, when they all started screaming their heads off.

They are about 5 yards away from the water when they take off, to the relif of the passengers.

The pilots were talking to eachother.

Pilot 1: That was a close one!

Pilot 2: Yeah. I have a feeling that the passengers will scream too late one day, and we will all sink.

[DevilBottles]

Well, I got one too. This one might take a while to get.

A couple of passengers for an airplane were waiting for their pilots. To their surprise (and shock), the two pilots were feeling their ways through the plane to the cockpit, with black glasses. One of them even had a seeing-eye dog.

The passengers thought that they were gonna sink into the sea near the runway. The engine starts and the airplane moves. They are past the line where the should take off, and they are getting really close to the water, about 20 yards, when they all started screaming their heads off.

They are about 5 yards away from the water when they take off, to the relif of the passengers.

The pilots were talking to eachother.

Pilot 1: That was a close one!

Pilot 2: Yeah. I have a feeling that the passengers will scream too late one day, and we will all sink.
hmm, i got it right away. :p

I'm no good at joke telling, so, only if I hear a good one will I give it off here. :D

[machanist]

ok what about this

there was a karate champion who joined the army.
he was the best soldier but he died while saluting

[BKSonic1234]

I have one my friend made up.

Ok, a boy scout, George Bush, the Pope, and the pilot are all on a plane, when the engines explode. There are three parachutes, the pilot takes one and Bush takes one. "Leave me, there's only one parachute!" The Pope said. Then the boy scout takes his backpack off. "Nu-uh. Bush took my backpack."

[machanist]

here comes another one about planes...

in the evening on a flight, a captain says on the loud speaker "passengers im afraid to say we have a failure on one engine, this is not a problem, we have 3 more, it just means we will have a 2 hour delay".
not soon after the captain says again "it appeares we have a fault on another engine, we have 2 others but we will be 4 hours late"
soon after, the captain announces again "we have a failure in the 3rd engine but we can still make it with the last one, we will just be 7 hours late"
someone says to their neighbour "i hope the last one doesnt fail or we'll be up here all night"
:-P

[dmoss]

That joke cracks me up! Nice one, machanist...okay, here's one I always thought was good:

There once was a boy who had no body, and was only a head. He was turning 21, and his father said, "Son, I want to take you to the bar for your birthday!" The young man was excited and agreed to go to the bar with his father.

When the boy and his father got to the bar, they each started off with a drink. As soon as the boy took a drink, a miracle occurred: he grew a torso! He was so excited! He began to bounce around with joy, and his father exclaimed, "Bartender, get my son another beer, this is incredible!"

Sure enough, upon the consumption of another beer, the boy grew arms! What was going on here? The boy clapped his hands in joy, and the father was beaming, now. "Bartender, you've gotta get my boy another beer, quick!"

Reluctantly, the bartender gave the boy another beer. By the look on the bartender's face, he must've seen this before.

The young man took the drink, and he grew a pair of legs! What a miraculous event! The boy immediately stood up to try-out his new legs. Being that he had already had several drinks, he stumbled outside, and got immediately hit by a bus! His father was crushed. "I can't believe my son just got hit by a bus!"

The bartender replied, "I've seen that happen before. He should've stopped while he was a head..."

[repobanjo]

I got another!

Two Irish men were strnded on a boat, untill they found a magic lamp. he genie inside only granted one wish, and without thinking, the first Irishman wished the sea was made of beer. Instantly, the sea was beer and the genie laft. Only needing to think for a second, the second Irishman said,

"Nice going. Now we have to pee in the boat"

[dmoss]

Ha! Nice one, repo...

[Andre]

Your Uncle Jack is working on the roof fixing some tiles when the ladder falls down. How do you help Uncle Jack off?

[machanist]

ok heres a great one:
a man goes into a posh resturant and a posh waiter comes up to him and says "good evening sir my name is javais, would you like a table at the back or front?"
the man says "at the front please"
later javais says "would you like something from the fish or salad trolly?"
the man says "uh i'll have something from the fish trolly"
so javais wheels on a big aquarium filled with hundreds of fish.
the man see's a small t ing in the corner and says "whats that?"
javais says "that is a rare lime moustached octopuss, it is a pet"
the man says "i'll have that"
javais says "i cannot it is the pet, i'll get hands from the kitchen, he does washing up"
later this really buff man walks through the door with a meat tenderiser and grabs the squiddy, just when he is about to hit it he stops and says "i cant"
the moral is:
hands that do dishes can be as soft as javais with mild green fur-lipped squids.
hehehe

do you get it?

[Upsilon]

A dead man was waiting to be judged. St Peter sat down with him and said, "Could you please tell me the story of how you died?"

"Okay," said the man. "I was walking home from work one day when a friend of mine came hurrying up the road towards me and told me my wife had been having an affair. Immediately I was overcome by a fit of rage, so I ran all the way back to the flat where we live. I could hear my wife in the bathroom and I looked all the way around the house for the scumbag. Eventually I found him out on our balcony, hanging from the parapet. So I forced him to let go, and he fell down to the ground from five storeys up. Luckily for him, a discarded mattress broke his fall. I ran back into the flat, picked up our fridge and pushed it over the edge onto him. When I went back inside, I was so ashamed of what I'd done that I shot myself."

The man hung his head. "I'm sorry for committing murder, Saint Peter - I don't know what came over me."

"Your case will be considered," said Saint Peter, and moved on to the next dead man. "Could you tell me how you died?" he said.

"Well," said the man, "it's all very odd. I was standing on the parapet of the balcony outside my flat. I was depressed and was going to kill myself. When I jumped off, I immediately realised that I didn't want to die, and managed to grab onto a parapet several floors below mine. But before I could pull myself up, a raving man ran out onto the balcony and prised my fingers away from the parapet. In another stroke of luck, I landed on a mattress that happened to be lying around in the street. But before I could get up, I was crushed by a falling fridge."

"Your case will be considered," said Saint Peter, and moved on to the next dead man. "Could you tell me how you died?" he said.

"Well, I'll cut to the chase," said the man. "I was hiding naked in a fridge..."

[repobanjo]

Yah! Here is another

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[Banjookie]

Jokes? ah.....

Your so dumb that your favourite colour is clear.

Your so dumb that you tried to get a wet towel, wet

Your so dumb that you make your mama look smart

Your so dumb that when you threw a rock on the ground you missed

[RareBK]

your mama's sooo fat, when she took a walk out side while wearing a green dress, they ran and screamed GODZILLA!

[BKSonic1234]

I have one.

This guy dies, and goes up to heaven. St. Peter's there and the guy says, "I'm going to Heaven, right?" St. Peter says, "Yes, you were a good person, go in." So the guy goes in, but then he sees a door. "What's in that door?" he asks. "Follow me, I'll show you." St. Peter replied. So they went in, and there were all these clocks. Above each clock was someone's name. "Every time someone tells a lie, the hand moves another minute." Says St. Peter. "Hey, where's George Bush's clock?" the guy asks. "Oh," St. Peter says, "It's in the back. We use it as a fan."

:D

[Goatmancer]

I got a few:

Imagine the parking situation at the Special Olimpics

Do Jewish Vampires fear the Cross or the Star of David?

I'd like to meet the guy who first looked at a cow and said "I'm going to pull those dangly things and drink what comes out"

[Banjookie]

Oh! Another! Your mama's so fat that her belt size is equator

[RareBK]

An addd on to that, your mammas soo fat the her belt is the equator!

[repobanjo]

Here is another one!


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[machanist]

you just copied that from funny.com didnt you. i was reading that last night

[MewChan]

My morbid friend told me a little one-liner the other day....
"There's a ribbion on my wrist that reads 'Do Not Open 'TillX-Mas'."

[repobanjo]

you just copied that from funny.com didnt you. i was reading that last night

I did. I knew it before, and was using funny to get actual grammar.


I find this one to be funny. I found this on the Random joke server at stupid.com

Two boys were hunting. After a few hours, they realized they were hopelessly lost.

The first boy said, "I heard somewhere that if you fire a shot into the air someone will come to your aid."

They fired one shot but nobody came. They fired again and again, to no avail. Starting to panic, the first boy said, "Try one more time."

His friend replied, "Okay, but we're almost out of arrows."

[Upsilon]

Speaking of hunting, this joke was the winner of a poll to determine the funniest joke in the world. See what you think...


An emergency services operator received a phone call from a man who said, "My friend and I were just out hunting in the woods when he was just now attacked and savaged by a bear, which killed him. What should I do?"

"Well," said the operator, "first make sure that he is dead."

A gunshot was heard on the hunter's end. "Okay," he said, "now what?"

[dmoss]

That was hilarious! :p

...Just wanted to let you know how great that joke was, Upsilon.

*looks around*

Why is everyone staring at me? I don't have a joke, I just wanted to say how funny the previous joke was...move along, people. Nothing to see here...

[machanist]

i dont get it...
i mean i got it a bit
but i didnt get it entireley
O_o

[repobanjo]

There are three men at court about to be shot (weird). When the police asked if he had any last requests, the first man said "TORNADO!", and everyone ran away. He escaped. The next day, the second man said "EARTHQUAKE!" when he was asked for his last requests, and everyone ran. He escaped too. On the final day, the police was furious abut the first two times. "WHAT ARE YOUR LAST REQUESTS?!??!?!?!?!?" said the police man. The crook yelled "FIRE!" and the policeman shot him.

[Dragon_Kazooie]

Here's one that my Grndfather told me. He has the best jokes!

Three moles wake up and pop their heads out.

Papa Mole sniffs the air and says "I smell sausage!"

Mama Mole sniffs the air and says "I smell panckes!"

Baby Mole sniffs the air and says "I smell Mole Asses!"

[repobanjo]

Wait, what?

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[mario_bob]

what do you call a ship full of vampires?

a blood vessel

[MewChan]

A man once went up to his doctor and said "It hurts whenever someone kicks me in the shin", in which the doctor replied "No sh!t Sherlock."...

I know, that was crap.

[Gaming Master2k]

There's an old man in a nursing home who goes to their doctor each month for a check up. The doctor asks the man how he's been lately.

The man says: I think I'm getting closer to God, doc.
The doctor asks: Why?
The man says: Because every night when I get up for my midnight pee God turns the light on for me and when I leave he turns it off again.
The doctor goes to the door and yells: NURSE! I think we've found who's been peeing in the fridge.

[Upsilon]

A man goes to a public toilet and sits down in the cubicle. After a few seconds, the guy in the cubicle next to his says, "Hello."

The man is slightly bewildered, but polite, so he says, "Hello."

There is a slight pause, then the mysterious voice says, "What are you doing?"

The man responds, "Well, I'm on the toilet. What do you think I'm doing?"

"Would you like to get together tonight?" comes the voice from the adjacent cubicle.

The man is now highly distressed. "Well, I think I have plans for tonight," he says cautiously. "But thanks for asking."

"Look, mate," says the man in the other cubicle, "I'm going to have to call you back, there's some moron in the other cubicle talking to me."