"Ask Dr. dmoss...!" [Archive]

dmoss

4th September 2006, 04:51 PM

Well, everyone, the doctor has returned from a long vacation of playing golf, and sitting on the beach, sipping Hawaiian Punch from a Coconut with a little umbrella in it. You know the drill! If you have any questions or concerns (serious or not), come to the doctor, and he'll answer them to the near-best of his abilities. With that...

The Doctor Is Out.

Blank

4th September 2006, 04:58 PM

Dr. Dmoss, an angry man recently impaled my jugular with an Olympic javelin. I don't want to pull it out, lest I die. What should I do?

pinkbull

4th September 2006, 05:02 PM

How come your never on AIM or RWChat? It's like you stopped caring but were here for you Dee. We can help.

dmoss

4th September 2006, 05:16 PM

Let's see...we'll get you gentlemen set-up quickly...
---
Well, Blank, in all my years of medicine, I've never had someone come to me with your type of problem, but hopefully I can help you out:

You have been impaled by a long, pointy object. In the research that I've conducted for your specific case, I've found several interesting pieces of information. If you remove the long, pointy object, you will surely die. If you leave it in, however, you will more than likely be humiliated throughout life, and never be able to act as a normal, working citizen again. I think I have a solution for you.

You need to use the Javelin to your advantage, by placing things of round origin on it. Such as donuts, earrings, rubberbands, bracelets, CD's, and wedding rings. By doing so, you will make the Javelin an all-time convenience, thus eliminating the awkward introductions like, "I'm Blank, and this is my Javelin." Now, when you greet people, just say, "I'm Blank." Doing so, they will inquire about your long, pointy object, and you can reply, "All the cool kids are doing it...!" If things go like I plan, you might not be the only person walking around with a Javelin protruding from their neck. Hopefully...

Well, give it the old "College Try" and let me know how things turn out!
---
Pinkbull, let's see if I can help you:

Actually, was that even a problem/question? Take three of these pills, and call me when you wake up...
---
Hope this helps!

~ Dr. dmoss, :banjo ~

Ice Lightning

4th September 2006, 05:22 PM

Dear Dr. dmoss,

I need help. If Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said, the butter's bitter, and if she put it in her batter, it would make her batter bitter. But a bit of better butter will make her batter better. So if she went and bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she put it in her batter, would the batter really be better batter and not bitter?

RareCareBear

4th September 2006, 05:24 PM

Dr Dmoss...
I seem to get sick every 2 days.
I don't know why.
Help?

dmoss

4th September 2006, 05:39 PM

Lots of problems today...!
---
Ice Lightning, it's funny you should bring up Betty Botter:

Betty is a patient of mine, and she suffers from a disease, commonly known as, Indecisiveness. We are currently researching some new methods, such as breathing techniques, and electric shocks, to see if we can get Betty to become a bit more in-charge of her life.

As for Betty's batter, she baked it, but not at a consistent temperature. She couldn't decide on a degree at which to set it. The result: flat, charred biscuits.
---
RareCareBear, let's see here:

Without knowing more about your condition, there's not a good deal that I can do for you. However, it's always a good idea to take a couple pills of random variety. That way, no matter what it is that you may have, there's a good chance that one of your pills will cover the malledy at hand. Godspeed!
---
Hope this helps!

~ Dr. dmoss, :banjo ~

BlueBreegull

4th September 2006, 05:47 PM

Ahah. Yes, Dr. Dee. How exactly does one manage to get rid of an East Asian jumping corpse? I have one in my basement, and it always causes Hell for me when I try to do my laundry.

Banjo's Banjo

4th September 2006, 06:24 PM

Dear Dr. Dee,
I have a problem. After taking up the sport of jumping, I ended up knocking myself out. After spending some length of time blacked out, I woke up in a basement with an extreme lack of feeling. I've tried getting out, but to really no avail.

I've tried talking to the homeowner a few times when he comes downstairs to do his laundry, but everytime he does he lets loose a bloody curdling scream of "NO YOU CAN'T EAT MY BRAINS" and runs upstairs again (after starting the spin cycle of course). How do you suppose I get out of this mess?

Also: This basement has a computer, which I'm typing from.

Fake edit: Also an internet connection.

Fake Ed-BRAAAAAAIIIIINNNSSSS.

dmoss

4th September 2006, 06:26 PM

Not again...
---
Well, Blue, let's see what we can do for you:

I've not had the "pleasure" of ever working with a patient that had an East Asian Jumping Corpse in the Basement. However, I've done work with the Northern Malaysian Hopping Corpse. Sadly, there's not much that I can do for you, but my colleague, Dr. medoss can hopefully help you...
fisrt thing you shood do is close teh basemint door. then, u need to throw a largee peice of meet. after yuo do that, proseed to run down teh stares, and pik up the meet. then run bak up teh stares. hopefuly the corps will follow yuo. if he duz, run thru teh front door.. thin thro out the meet. call teh poleece, and then moov to tibet.

hope that helpd yuo.
Maybe you should just try an exterminator...
---
Banjo's Banjo, it's been quite some time:

There is a crazy man upstairs, that may be throwing a large piece of meat down to you any moment...be aware. If he comes down to retrieve it, do not follow him, but attempt to rip his arm from its socket. It would be in your best interest, I assure you. And, yes, "BRAAAAAAIIIIINNNSSSS."
---
Hope this helps!

~Dr. dmoss, :banjo ~

Theguyoverthere

4th September 2006, 06:32 PM

Dear Mr. Dmoss (betchya didn't see that awesome name-parody coming!),

How come this fanfic died?http://forums.rarewitchproject.com/showthread.php?t=5505&highlight=threeie

And what can I do to make my topics/posts better and more repliable? I feel ignored at some points, whether it be my fanfic, my pinball game, my PM's, or my ideas. How can I make myself feel more noticable?

Sincerely,
The Guy Over There

jumbo mumbo

4th September 2006, 09:56 PM

I've got a couple of questions, doc. 1. Why did this fanfic die? http://forums.rarewitchproject.com/showthread.php?t=5637
and 2. I've got a problem. You see, I'm on this plane, with a lot of snakes on it.
Sadly, Sam Jackson is nowhere in sight. What should I do?

Glad this came back!
-JM

Banjo's Banjo

4th September 2006, 10:03 PM

'lo there Dr. Moss,

I have a question: Why did this fanfiction die? http://forums.rarewitchproject.com/s...mar.soc2.php?mrt=31337 (http://www.phantom.net/home.html)

It was a pretty awful idea but still. :-/

Hakey Wake

4th September 2006, 10:17 PM

That mischievous van is back outside my house again..

I'm tempted to go out and investigate because the sound of puppies just melts me..

golden jiggy

4th September 2006, 10:24 PM

dear dr dmoss

I just absent mindedly ripped off a lot of the skin off of my foot. Nothing is bleeding but there is a small trench in my foot now. What course of action should i take?

Kablamooie

4th September 2006, 11:32 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss,

Steve Irwin's dead. I don't care, but other people do. What should I do?

s.w.a.t

4th September 2006, 11:32 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss:

A while back I sent you a sample of trumpets over AIM. What with my computer issues, I have lost such files. Do you still have it?

Eternally Yours,
-Penguin

Mr.Patch

5th September 2006, 12:37 AM

Dear DR.Dmoss
how much wood would a woodchuck cut if a woodchuck could cut wood?

s.w.a.t

5th September 2006, 01:45 AM

Dear Dr. Dmoss

I'm ready to kill myself. I got my new comp found out half my music was corrupted, spent the whole day organizing it and figuring out what worked and what didn't, and now have re-downloading half my collection to look forward to. Yipee.

Jinjonator

5th September 2006, 05:29 AM

Dear Dr.Dee,
I have no money, and a couger just ripped my face off, and my kidneys are failing. How can I make my life better?

BlueBreegull

5th September 2006, 05:50 AM

Dear Dr. Dmoss,
How in blazes are you going to answer all these questions?! How?! HOW?!

Love,
Blue

(PS. Your associate gives bum advice. I lost me left arm trying that meat trick...)

Soulreaper41392

5th September 2006, 09:44 PM

Hey there Dr. Dee! I have one question.

Why should I bring my problems to you rather than Dr. Phil? I mean, I don't think you could possibly beat Dr. Phil in a patient-diagnosting contest. Or an arm wrestling contest at that.

Theguyoverthere

8th September 2006, 02:24 AM

Dr. Dmoss,
Like Blue has straight forwardly said it, I'll say it again. You have 11+ Patients and they are tired of reading the magazines in the waiting room. They are getting boring.

Please come and treat us needy patients, before we go crazy from readin' the stale magazines (everyone has already taken the good ones and I'm stuck with this lousy Opera magazine. I mean who really like opera anyway, the voices are so high-pitched.)

Thanks you for your time.

Magic

8th September 2006, 02:59 AM

Well, guys dmoss is pretty busy right now what with school being pretty busy for him and he is involved in other things like church and he might be a bit busy for a little while so you'll have to bear with him k?

On behalf of dmoss I'll say this...

The Doctor Is Momentarily Out.

s.w.a.t

8th October 2006, 12:27 AM

DOCTOR WHERE ARE YOU????

*sobs*

Sinceraly,
Penguin

Magic

8th October 2006, 12:31 AM

Well, if you will refer to my above post 'till that time when dmoss announces that he is no longer too busy to continue ;)...

Hollow Note

8th October 2006, 01:23 AM

Dr. Dmoss.
I'm a furry.
Fix it.
~thanks

SSJ3 Gogeta

20th November 2006, 04:54 AM

I have one: I have a problem with body hair. I have TOO much, but these women I live with tell me it'll just grow back worse if I shave it, and refuse to help me with it. What do I do?

Andre

20th November 2006, 12:06 PM

I have one: I have a problem with body hair. I have TOO much, but these women I live with tell me it'll just grow back worse if I shave it, and refuse to help me with it. What do I do?

Er, shave it off.

LaorBR

20th November 2006, 08:15 PM

I have one: I have a problem with body hair. I have TOO much, but these women I live with tell me it'll just grow back worse if I shave it, and refuse to help me with it. What do I do?
Brazilian Wax is the way to go.

It may hurt a little but at least your crotch will look much sexier.
o-O

fategirl132

20th November 2006, 08:19 PM

dr.dmoss

why does dr.phil have a diet book?he's fat.

Platinum Jinjo

20th November 2006, 08:39 PM

Dr. Dmoss,

Q1. Do you have an MD license?
Q2. If not are you Better than Doctor nick from the Simpson's?
Q3. Why is the sun Hot?
Q4. Whats the best brand of Toilet paper to use?
Q5. Is it true that beetroot helps relieve sinus discomfort?
Q6. When praying should you close your Eyes?
Q7. Does an apple a day really keep the Doctor away?

THX1138

20th November 2006, 08:59 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss,
I think I like boys more than girls, but I'm afraid of people making fun of me if I express how I really feel.

What should I do?

THX1138

P.S. Rep points to anyone who gets the reference here.

s.w.a.t

20th November 2006, 09:53 PM

Dear Dr. dmoss,
For some reason, I jsut cannot stop listening to Seether. They are a post-grunge band from South Africa. Is there something wrong with me?
-Your friendly neighboorhood s.w.a.t

Platinum Jinjo

22nd November 2006, 01:27 AM

DR.Dmoss

Why don't you answer our questions? Have you abandoned us?

ChillyDark

22nd November 2006, 01:53 AM

Dr Dmoss,
Why is this thread like morgue?

P_L

22nd November 2006, 01:56 AM

DR.Dmoss

Why don't you answer our questions? Have you abandoned us?

It may be due to the fact that I hit him with a car (not mine) (http://z13.invisionfree.com/Reel_Discussion/index.php?showtopic=280&view=findpost&p=5039242) ...

dmoss

22nd November 2006, 02:01 AM

Dear Dr. dmoss,

Why aren't you helping us anymore? Where did you go? :(

ChillyDark

22nd November 2006, 02:04 AM

Dear Dr. dmoss,

Why aren't you helping us anymore? Where did you go? :(
;)

dmoss

22nd November 2006, 02:04 AM

;)
;)

Theguyoverthere

22nd November 2006, 02:06 AM

;)
;)

Wait a minute....

:confused:

ChillyDark

22nd November 2006, 02:09 AM

;)

Wait a minute....

:confused:
:p.

Platinum Jinjo

22nd November 2006, 02:20 AM

:p.

wait another minute, you still didn't answer even one question. :D

:rolleyes: :p ;) :eek: :cool:

Theguyoverthere

22nd November 2006, 02:24 AM

wait another minute, you still didn't answer even one question. :D

:rolleyes: :p ;) :eek: :cool:

Wait just one more minute... It won't let you have a quote-inside a quote! WHat's up with that?

ChillyDark

22nd November 2006, 02:28 AM

Silly Platinum. :D.
Questions are for kids.

=donkey-banjo=

23rd November 2006, 01:50 AM

Lol.

Dr. Dmoss,

Uh...Uh...*drools*

Kazooie-Tooie

23rd November 2006, 01:51 AM

Dear Dr. Dmoss: I have a problom with-*Eats own foot* well... you can see.

Theguyoverthere

23rd November 2006, 02:02 AM

Dear Dr. Dmoss: Please return soon, this thread is being polluted with stuff that doesn't need to be here. We need someone who can clean up. Thanks.

Fox McBanjo

23rd November 2006, 12:37 PM

Dear Dr.Dee,

I allways seem to end on my ass when I sit in a feild.Any suggestions?

=donkey-banjo=

23rd November 2006, 01:44 PM

Dr Dr.Dmoss,

I haf a probwam wif spewwing wordz wronge. I donn no whad to do. Hewp me pweeze.

Jade Souls

23rd November 2006, 07:20 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss

why is it that everytime I call you your either at church or just walking in the door and cant come to the phone? XD

ChillyDark

24th November 2006, 02:59 PM

What garbage?
Like this, maybe?
This message is hidden, because Dr Dmoss is on your ignore list.

Soulreaper41392

24th November 2006, 04:52 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss,

I read somewhere that farting 12 times a day is healthy. But yesterday I farted about 40 times. That means I'm super-healthy, right? Right?!

=donkey-banjo=

24th November 2006, 10:52 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss,

I read somewhere that farting 12 times a day is healthy. But yesterday I farted about 40 times. That means I'm super-healthy, right? Right?!

lmao thanks soul, that gave me a good laugh.

Which reminds me...

Dear Dmoss,

I heard that laughing kills brain cells, so is it true that everytime I laugh I get more stupid? HAHAHAHAHA LOL HAAHHAAH LLO HAAAHHHAH OL....huh? wha? duhhhh....*drools some more*

Macsbuddy

25th November 2006, 06:09 PM

Dear Dr. Dmoss,

I've recently discovered that there are little blue people living in mushrooms have infested my dishwasher and they won't stop singing 'peanut butter jelly time'. i've tried to get them out using a crow bar and petrollium jelly but that just ended up in my leg decentegrating. i'm still in rehab tring to get it fully connected and functioning, but it dosn't seem to be working. my question to you is this: what color starburst is the best?