The worst and most messed up miniature fantasy stories you can come up with!

[Smouvy]

Story's here

Not the most messed up thing I've ever written, but still one of my weirder subjects to write about.

[The Colonel]

Item #: RWP-001

Object Class: Admin Mod

Rare Witch Procedures: Due to the danger of RWP-001 if it were to fall in the wrong hands, the object should be in possession by an Administrator or Moderator at all times. If it is ever not in the hands of either, it should be put in a large unbreakable case to which only Mods and Admins have the key.

Description: RWP-001 is a large black, hammer-like object in the form of an old warhammer, capable of temporarily making members disappear from the site. It is unknown where they go, and they don't remember either. It is believed that they are sent to [DATA EXPUNGED] when they are hit. Judging from test records, the duration they are gone varies depending on how hard the hammer is swung to the point that if the hammer is swung hard enough, it will remove members entirely, sometimes without a trace of evidence that they even existed. It is for these reasons that only select individuals may use it.

The hammer was discovered by the Administrator, [REDACTED] himself, when creating the [REDACTED] Forum.

Addendum-1: It has been confirmed that, if the wielder wills it, permanently disappeared people can return to our world through a rip in [DATA EXPUNGED]. This was proven when previously gone member, [REDACTED], was given another chance by a Staff member named [DATA EXPUNGED]. For this reason, the object class is being changed from "Admin" to "Mod".

Addendum-2: From now on, temporary dissipation will be known as "Suspension", and permanent disappearance as "Banning". These will be common practices among the Moderators and Administrators of the foundation, and will be used when deemed necessary.

[Oz the Gay and Powerful]

Alexa and Allen would always fight and swear at each other and there was cigarette butts everywhere and food stains on their shirts when they yelled and Allen would always take out his gun and say I'm fuggingonnaRUINyERLIFE with this gun I have in my hand and he did but Alexa was pregnant oh no his life was ruined too

[Crimson10Blades]

Once upon a time there was a company that developed video games for Nintendo called "Rare Ware" Rare ware made such amazing games such as Golden Eye, Banjo Kazooie, Donkey Kong Country, and Conker's Bad Fur Day. Then another company call Microsoft came to Nintendo with a lot of money asking to buy Rare Ware from them. Unfortunately, Nintendo agreed. Ever since then, Microsoft made Rare Ware change it's name to "Rare" and made them make games like Kinect Sports and Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts.

[Coey890]

Originally Posted by lemurboy12

One day in the continent of Missouri, Blop Yakkyshmyak was taking his triceratops to Best Buy to buy some carrots for his triceratops, because it was thirsty. Blop bought what he thought was carrots, but it was a jar of brown Jell-O! Without knowing, he gave the carrots to the triceratops. After it drank, suddenly, it transformed into a pumpkin that was demanding for french fries! Blop gave it some chicken, but then it said "NO! I DON'T WANT THAT!" and beat him to a pulp.

The End

That was awesome. Pretty much what I wanted to see when I opened up this thread.

Anyways...

Once upon a time, a man fell asleep in his shoes, and then he had a dream where he was sniffing his donkey's poo, he woke up and said "I LIKE PUDDIN'" and stuff, but he never knew how to fix his broken spoon THE END.

A looooonng time ago, in the vast reaches of my kitchen sink, a small colony of blue whales lived in the pipes. I got them out with a monkey wrench only to find that one was capable of saying "POTATO", I kept him as a pet and called him POTATO, now whenever I go to my friend's house I always end up watching reruns of Star Wars: a New Hope. I screamed "MACARONI IS MADE OF BALONEY" in the loudest way I could.
His pet dog leash found this offensive, and I got sued for insulting a stranger. THE END

Here's a story which the blind will really love! CAN BLIND PEOPLE SEE THE TASTE OF CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH? Yep, that's it! Here we go!

Once upon a time, in a foreign, unknown land called America, there was a blind boy who was 12 years old, he likes to pick on people for having poor eyesight.

His mom went shopping and saw some cereal called Cinnamon Toast Crunch! It said "The taste you can see!", she said "OH BOY THIS IS PERFECT FOR MY SON!".

She ran out of the door and the clerk said "YOU GOTTA PAY FOR THAT YOU CEREAL-NAPPER!", she said "DON'T WORRY MY SON IS BLIND" and the clerk turned into a set of Sesame Street themed weaponry.

She finally got home by riding on the tops of strangers cars and jumping to another when necessary. She ran inside the house shouting "IVAN, IVAN YOU GOTTA SEE THIS AMAZING BOX I FOUND", Ivan appeared at the top of the stairwell, and then his dad appeared behind him and shoved him down the stairs while laughing uncontrollably.

Ivan came across a few spare arrows they keep on the stairs on the way down, and they poked right into him and he said "HEY FRIENDS" he got the bottom and got back up and his dad said "SEE YOU NEXT FALL".

Ivan ran to the kitchen but ended up with a bunch of wall in his face, so his mom dragged him across the floor into the kitchen.

His mom said "IVAN, LOOK AT THIS BOX, IT SAYS THE TASTE YOU CAN SEE!".
Ivan carefully got off the floor and tried to sit down in a chair, but ended up on the floor and with a bruise on his butt. His dad ran in and coated the floor in petroleum jelly. Ivan got back up and slipped, but he got up.... and slipped again. After his parents had enough time laughing, they made him lick it all off the floor.

Then they scurried to get the cereal and the other necessities, they made a bowl of it and placed it on the table and lifted Ivan off the ground and put him in a chair in front of the cereal.

His mom waited around for him to eat it, but he couldn't find the spoon, even though it was right in front of him. His mom said "WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND?! LOOK IN FRONT OF YOU THERE'S A BOWL OF CEREAL THAT HAS A TASTE YOU CAN SEE!", Ivan used his hands to feel around for the bowl, he grabbed it and poured it down his throat.

His parents were so happy that their son made it this far, they remembered when they named him Ivan because of his perfect eyes. They both replied "WELL DID YOU SEE IT?", and Ivan got up and said "YEAH, FINALLY, I CAN SEE!", they said "REALLY?" and he said "NOT ONLY THAT, I CAN FLY, AND CREATE ANYTHING I WANT OUT OF THIN AIR!", his parents knew that he'd like the cereal, he said "HEY, THESE ARROWS DON'T FEEL TOO BAD ANYMORE!" and then everybody laughed and lived happily ever after. THE END

No offense to any blind people reading this anybody who knows a blind person or anything like that. I just kinda wanted to make a laughably pathetic story.

I cracked up so much while writing this. Though I think that might not be a good thing.

[Hangman]

Random guy: Herpaderpader-AAAH!
*BOOM!*
Weeeeeee!
Random guy flies towards plane and grabs the wing.
Guy on plane opens door.
Guy on plane: YOU'RE JUST IN TIME! GET IN HERE!
Random guy gets pulled into plane.
Guy on plane, now known as GOP: Get on the board!
Guy gets on the board and GOP pushes him out of the plane.
GOP says through an inexplicable walkie-talkie that appeared on Guy's shirt: PULL OFF SOME CRAZY TRICKZ, MAN! PRESS B TO GRAB THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BOARD AND X TO GRAB THE LEFT!
Guy somehow presses B, then X.
GOP: FOX!
Guy: DIE!
Suddenly, GOP and Guy are on the ground and a big-ass ship that should be in a sci-fi movie comes up from beneath the water and GOP gets on...somehow.
Guy: ...what the fvck just happened.
SUDDENLY, A VINCENT!
Vince: Hi, Vince here, with the ShamWow! It can ljhsfdljhsfdjlhfhjhljfsdhljd-bzzrt...
Vincent.exe has stopped working.
Guy tries to run but trips over a rock and hears: Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
Guy: AH! MY EARS!
Otacon: Snake! You're alright!
Guy: Wrong Codec channel, bro.
Otacon: Oh, sorry.
Guy then finds a golden jigsaw puzzle piece right in front of him. He picks it up and suddenly a bear with a bird in his backpack shows up.
Guy: What the heck?
The bear then takes the bird out of his backpack and cocks her like a gun and points her at Guy aggressively. Guy backs up and the bear motions toward the jigsaw piece. Guy gives it to the bear and the bear walks off.
Guy: And that's the stuff that happened to me today!
Other Guy: I have no friends. Woah, trippy, bro. The dialogue, just, like, totally changed.
Guy: Forum filters. You don't have friends! Muaahahahahhahaha!
Somewhere, a certain Mario is proud about the effects of his forum filter.

One more thing...

Originally Posted by Jinjonator_Dude

There was once a man named Hangman who bumped a thread from last year. He was zapped into the RareWitch Arena for his foolishness, where he had to face the great ones in battle: Ice Mario, Gruntling, and Mandy. He fought bravely, but not well enough to amuse them, so when the battle was over, despite thinking he had defeated them, he was cast out into the barren wasteland of the internet, forever doomed to look at funny cat pictures and porn, editing wikipedia pages and uploading youtube videos for the rest of his life.

THE END.

God dangit, now I need a t-shirt that says, "I did not bump that thread." Maybe I can get away with it and change the subject and say it wasn't a fantasy story and it actually happened to my clone...

NOT THAT IT WOULD BE BELIEVABLE!

Or maybe say it was because I wasn't wearing my glasses (which I actually wasn't) and read the date wrong...