Do "Happy Families" Still Exist?

[pinkbull]

Ugh, my father lives his life pretending everything is completely alright, and I realized I've been trapped, living in this weird stupid lie my entire life, and due to them I will never be able to function as a normal human being. Whatever the hell it is normal people dream of and think of, I do not feel, I try and escape it, I find hobbies, I read books, but my brain can only find wicked and painful feelings to dwell on, because at the end of the day, I have no happy memories to hold onto. Except for the artificial feelings induced by things no man should consume. But then I remember how chasing that feeling only ruined my life further and then I get no satisfaction out of it and only more stress it's just stress and pain and more stress then pain embaressment, guilt, one long nonstop stream that stays with me from the morning I wake up til the moment I rest my head and there is no escape no matter where I look, there is no one I can consult, there is no where I can hide and get better, there is no way to improve myself it is just this constant wave of suffering induced by the environment around me and the older I grow the clearer it grows to me, and I feel like, if I can nail it, I can finally escape this horrible loop and I won't have to kill myself to silence this horrible assault of misery my own brain puts me through.

My mother is an alcoholic, I haven't talked to her in like, 2 weeks now. She lives in Florida. She hasn't visited in a year already, why the **** would I want to visit her. She just ditched me and left me here. She left while I was in 9th grade, where I reached a point of social stagnation and have dissolved into insanity and nothing since. **** her I used to think she was alright but no **** her she's a bitch. She is my rage. When I used to get mad and bully my friends as a kid, the same pushy force that alienated me from all my friends at even a very young age and was never addressed, is the same way my mom yelled when she was drunk and got her drunk way.

Thinking about her makes me want to have a glass of some Wild Turkey present to deal with my failure of an existence given to me by her.

My brother tries to be a saint and help out, then gets angry when you don't do it his way, which may have worked very well for him, but hey he's a thesbian and I'm a burn out so different strokes different folks I s'pose. Thankfully he's only my half brother. I see it not like he's my brother, just some prick who came out the same place I did.

My hatred for them is newfound. It was inspired by a most unfortunate attraction I have towards someone I met recently. First time I hung out with her, it was just like, "Damn that girl is awesome, not like any girl I ever met before, absolutely beautiful by standard, but I don't really like her she's just cool." Then we got her out of school, and maybe it was just the bennie D in my nose making me think she was flirting with me a bit, but I swear she was at least a tiny bit attracted to me, as I was to her. And it got my mind racing away at the distant possibilities that could be realized if certain events come to pass, thoughts much more typical to a teenager that's never had a break in his life, but come on man I can't just live life without a single woman in my head that I desire. I'm a hopeless romantic at the core, and to have those feelings never felt by another kills me and pushes me to poor decisions I wish I'd never made.

Now why this is relevant, I realized, "Wow I actually like this girl, AND respect her." Soon as I have this idea, I know it's going to go south. First off, the chances of success are minimal, second off, even if I were to succeed, well what then? I'm an absolute wreck, and she's a druggie like I am, but still has a decent family life, at least compared to me.

What the hell good would a sadsack like me do for her? I'm spoiled goods why would I ever want to ruin a perfectly good life by attempting to introduce me into it? What even made me this way?

After realizing that I will probably never have a relationship with anyone due to this thought or personal reality, I got angry at what made me this way. I got angry at what took away all hope, what made me this terrible bastard, a monstrous husk who looks back to events past, and sees only destruction and disdain of my existence from all unfortunate enough to have met me.

You know, I don't want to fix this family, they all feel dead to me, whatever was my parents in my head either died or never existed. I feel the need to destroy everything in this ****ing house that has memories in it just so these stupid ****s can move on with their lives and I can end this bullshit pipedream that's crazier than a cokehead's perception of the world around him.

All I really want, I just wish I could eat dinner with a family once a day, and talk with them afterwards. I don't care how ****ed up they are, I just want to eat a meal cooked for a family. I try and think back to the last time I've even had a dinner like what I described, and nothing comes to mind. It's literally a blank.

Now something nice for you. If you get to hear the words, "Dinner's ready!" and you go downstairs and there is a healthy, fufilling meal in front of you cooked by your mother who doesn't give a **** about putting like, 2 hours out of her day to cook for your sorry ass (I cook every day I enjoy it for myself but it's a ****ing bitch) just so you can eat a healthy delicious meal that will make you feel oh so good after you eat your fill and just a bit more, that is serious love man. I'm not even lying I'm crying thinking about how nice that is.

You better ****ing tell your mom you love her, you better thank her, you better hug her, kiss her, do whatever the **** you can for her if she deserves it.

Because in your little sheltered life, you may not realize it, but what is common place for you, there's some washed out speedfreak acidhead sitting there wishing for just a little slice of that pie. And he is so jealous of how good you have it. Also he's eating lunchables because there's no ****ing fruit or vegetables spare lettuce which I've been eating all day every day anyway because it's healthy. I ****ing hate lunchables they're so gross and we have like, 50 of them.