Podcast Transcript

[Oz the Gay and Powerful]

This thing... whatever it is... is basically the same thing as The Ricky Gervais Show, if you've seen that. Three (in this case fictional) people named Derrick, Mort, and Coleman have a pointless discussion for however long I feel like writing. It's supposed to be funny I guess. If it's not, oh well.

Episode 1

Derrick: What's up? How is everyone?

Mort: Very good actually.

Coleman: I'm not good at all right now.

Derrick: Why's that?

Coleman: I've been having these thoughts. I don't know. Could you call them, like, philosophical?

Derrick: Depends on what the thoughts are.

Coleman: Okay, it's embarrassing though.

Mort: Go on.

Coleman: Have you ever been wiping... and-

Derrick: Wiping like how.

Coleman: Well... you know. Your bum.

Mort: I think I can recall doing that a few times, yeah.

Coleman: Okay well... I was doing that... and I sneezed.

Derrick: So?

Coleman: Does that make me gay?

Derrick: What?!

Mort: Did you ask this question to yourself before asking it to us?

Derrick: The answer is no. No. But I have a question. Why would you think it's gay?

Coleman: Well sneezing is usually equated with pleasure... and I was really digging deep.

Derrick: Excusing the huge logic gap here for a second... are you comparing sneezing to having an orgasm?

Mort: I think he is.

Coleman: What I'm saying is... sneezing is like a release, right? If I sneezed because I was-

Mort: That isn't why you sneezed.

Derrick: Coleman you are just disregarding years of medical science and biology within one sentence, do you know that?

Coleman: As long as it isn't, you know... gay. I've been having sex with too many women to stop now.

Mort: Hang on, we can solve this problem. I'll find out for sure if you're gay Coleman. The method I'm about to use is approved worldwide.

Coleman: Out with it!

Mort: Do you, Coleman the man, want to have sex with other men?

Coleman: ...No.

Mort: You are officially straight!

Derrick: Let's move on to another subject. I was eating this pastry the other day and I looked at the wrapper. The nutritional facts indicated that the thing I just ate was worth 60% of my daily intake of trans-fat. I can't even begin to count the number of time I never look at nutritional facts, and now I know why. I'm legitimately scared for my health now.

Coleman: Yeah, me too. I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple.

Derrick: You are hopeless, do you know that? I'm talking about potential health risks and here and you come up with an apple sticker. That won't do anything to you.

Coleman: How do you know?

Mort: We both just know, okay?

Coleman: What if it ruptures my intestines?

Derrick: One, it won't do that, and two, when did you eat the apple?

Coleman: Two days ago. Nothing's happened yet, that's why I'm so worried.

Derrick: If nothing's happened yet, nothing's going to happen.

Coleman: What?

Derrick: ...What?

Coleman: How can nothing happen?

Mort: If we're going to discuss semantics with Coleman, I brought the gun this time.